How To Heal From A Divorce You Didn't Want

advice change couples divorce forgiveness grief hope self worth trust uncertainty Aug 11, 2020

So you got divorced, and you are wondering how to heal from a divorce you didn't want. I know how bad it sucked. More than anything. Ever. If you're ready to start enjoying life again, read on to learn five things you can do to heal from this divorce.

You got the news. It’s Over …

I mean, "What The H*!!". You spent the majority of your adult life trying to make this marriage work. You put up with crap, but it was worth it to you. Having a family, a person, and a life together mattered… and now it seems like you aren't good enough for them?! Because they didn't love you, unconditionally. And you can't fix it because they aren't willing. You don't get a choice because they. Are. Done. And the icing on the cake, perhaps they've been seeing someone else.

And you are heartbroken about it

You can't seem to stop crying or feeling resentful.
You feel completely out of control.
Your life feels like you have no say in how it unfolds.

The way you feel now does NOT have to be your new normal

Sure, life as you knew it has completely changed. But it doesn't have to stay this way.

You don't have to feel this shitty forever. Because the truth is, you are good enough.

Nothing is Wrong with You

Sure, you have made some mistakes in the course of your relationship. But, the idea you aren't "good enough" is complete BS. Your self-esteem has taken an enormous hit, and you are having a hard time finding your balance.

Want to recover from this?

I am going to walk you through 5 things on how to heal from a divorce you didn’t want.

#1: Refocus

It's tempting to focus on your pain, your ex, and your 99 problems.

The pain is so significant; it holds most of your attention. But to heal from a divorce, you have to stop worshipping the problem.

Focus on solutions.

To heal from this divorce, you have to refocus on

your strengths,
your gratitude, and
your solutions.

Obsessing over your ex will never bring you peace or joy. You've likely become an expert on narcissism, addiction or infidelity, but now it's time to become an expert on YOU.

Facing ourselves does not always feel natural.

It often comes with gobs of guilt and a sensation of overwhelm, but with patience and practice, you will get there.

TIP: Use brightly colored post-it notes in strategic places to remind you of your positive focus.

#2: Trust the Crisis

Trust the Crisis – You can't undo it. So let's embrace it.

What?!? Yes.

Humans grow the most when faced with a crisis. But, only if you are willing to grow.

Stop Fighting – Start Moving Forward

TIP: Grab a cute little tissue box and turn it into your "God box." When you feel tempted to resist all the changes, write your worry on a scrap of paper and put it in the box. Pick a date one year from now to go through the scraps of paper and celebrate everything that has worked itself out.

#3: Love Yourself First

You can't heal if you are obsessing over how much you suck.

I know your ex's critical nature and tendency to reject you may feel convincing. But it's up to you to stop believing the lies.

You Are Worthy

The belief that you aren't good enough is simply a thought you keep thinking. Forgive yourself for thinking you aren't good enough and pick a new positive thought:

I am growing stronger every day
I am worthy of love and compassion
Today I choose love for myself

#4: Pinpoint Your Roadblocks

Pinpoint your roadblocks – We all have them.

They are blind spots that block your ability to move forward or to heal from a divorce in a meaningful way. It's time to spot them and address the underlying issue rather than just going around them!

Things You Avoid: Roadblocks are things you avoid because they make you cringe, feel overwhelmed, or anxious.
Triggers: Things that make you intensely angry or fearful. So much so that you don't think or act rationally when you experience them.
Judgment: Judgment is the poison that feeds resentment and interrupts forgiveness. It is a way of thinking, believing, and acting that divides people, closes hearts and blocks love.

TIP: Take a personal inventory of your roadblocks and then make a plan to resolve them!

#5: Allow Healing

Allow the healing – be willing to let go.

Healing is all about moving through the grief process.

It's common to get stuck in grief and refuse to let go. We do this for many reasons – usually out of fear of the unknown.

Will I Be Loved Again?

I'm guessing you're afraid you won't be loved again or that you can't handle this. And, you're worried that life can't get better. Your fears are common and also very irrational. And, it's these fears that are holding you back from truly healing after your divorce.